It's been a while......

So it's been about a year since i posted. Not sure exactly what to write but for some reason i feel that i need to write. A lot has been going through my head lately about God and direction and purpose and how all those relate. I have seen much change some for the better and some for the worse. I have seen death and new life and old lives made new. Even with all the change be it good or bad, true joy has seemed to be just out of my grasp. It has been this elusive place that my finger tips have grazed but never quite grasped. So i question these feelings," is it me am i not worthy", is it other people are they just out to use me and use me until I am wasted away and of use no more.......
Then I begin to ask, “is it me”.... Do i not allow joy, do I push it away, Is God there with a never ending fountain of joy just waiting...waiting for me. …..
I think about my earlier statement about people using me, maybe the perspective of that thought needs to be shifted maybe I am not looking at the big picture. What if we replace the finite people generalization with God, stick with me here this thought is going somewhere I can feel it, I am getting revved up now. What if true joy could be had, not just something longingly grasped for but never found. What if God purposed me purposed you to serve people until the day our physical bodies are used up. What if this elusive thing called joy comes from letting God use me up serving people. See the difference here with this redirection of thought I am now serving God bringing the kingdom of God to earth conquering injustice and saving lives. Has my view been so selfish that I robbed myself of the pure joy that God has.
This now leads me to an entire new set of emotions to work through, like what could have been. How would my life be different, how would the people around me be different. Have I allowed Satan to rob me of life, of true life….. Is this the reason I see no direction in my life just a promise of living in the 8-5 corporate machine. God has more I know he does but how do I refocus, how do I see life through the lenses of God. A friend said this quote to me today as I was unpacking some of this to him,

“Work on the revealed things and He (God) will lead you to what is unrevealed”

Ben Stuart

I am still struggling my way through this statement but it gives me hope for some reason, a sort of joy, a sense of adventure. What has God put right in front of me, what has he revealed to me to do now not tomorrow not later today but now…………